5 Rules for Driving

roadsignsThis is going to be my opportunity to enlighten mystified drivers everywhere. I’m going to present my five rules for better driving. It is my honest belief that most driver’s are idiots. You’ve probably all been that idiot yourself. Hell, I know I’ve been that idiot. But that’s all besides the point.

The point is that by becoming better drivers, we can all become better people. Where you’d normally hold a door open for someone following you into a building, you’d probably speed up to cut them off on the highway so they can’t merge in front of you.  And in fact, that brings me to one of my rules because even I admit it’s not all your fault that they didn’t pull off that merge attempt.

Let’s begin:

1)   Merge at the speed of the cars you’re joining. No one wants to be driving happily down the highway at 75 MPH and then have to screech to a measly 45 miles because you were afraid if you sped up too much to try and merge, you’d be out of luck if someone didn’t let you in. If you were merging at the right speed, you’d slip in flawlessly between cars without slowing anyone down. And as for the rest of you, on that same token: Stop speeding up to 90 to make sure that those who are merging properly STILL CAN’T GET ON THE HIGHWAY. JERKS.

2)   The right hand lane is a “Right on Red” lane. If you don’t know what that means, go look it up. During Rush Hour, this lane should be avoided like the plague unless you actually intend on turning right at that red light. You back up traffic like crazy when you’re the only car in the front of a line of ten who isn’t turning. Everyone is cursing you. Everyone. Even that guy in the left-hand lane is scoffing and saying, “Damn, look at that selfish jackass, blocking all those turns.”

3)   As for the left-hand lane, you should never ever use this lane if you can not, at the very least, MAINTAIN the speed limit. It is unacceptable to drive in this lane while going 35 in a 55 zone. And if you’re the person from Number 2 then just stay the hell at home until rush hour is over. Don’t be that guy that holds up whatever lane he’s in, please, I beg you. If 55 is posted, do 55. If 55 makes you feel like you’re going so damn fast your wheels might fall off and you can feel your cheeks flapping against the sheer force of all those G’s pressing against you, then I’ll allow you to go 50. I’ll accept that. 50. Not 49. Don’t push it.

4)   Always remember: Roads and Highways are not Parking Lots. I repeat: THEY ARE NOT FOR PARKING. If you’re making a left turn across all those crazy lanes of crazy drivers, I understand that you have to wait for an opening. I understand that totally. But if you don’t seize that opening and burn some rubber squealing to the other side, then you’re an asshat, size Large. Do not sit through one perfectly good chance after another. This isn’t frogger: a semi-truck isn’t going to appear suddenly from off screen and plow you down. If it does, you have more issues than I can address because Good God: how would you not notice a semi? And why would you cut it that close if you did notice it?

5)   And finally: Use the God-forsaken turning signal!! I can’t emphasize this enough. Your blinker isn’t only there for your entertainment. It’s there to serve as a warning to me that you’re coming over to visit me in my lane. Or it warns me that you’re about to very suddenly slam on your brakes in the middle of the highway to take an exit or make a last-minute turn. The blinker is your friend. It’s right there, a finger’s length from your steering wheel. Make it habit. Just do it every time and then you’ll be doing it when no one is around, much like those groovy moves you bust when you’re home alone with the stereo blasting. Blinking can be that much fun! And if you don’t consider it fun, consider that it keeps me from jamming my car up your ass by mistake.

This has been a public service announcement by–

I mean, these are just a few little tid-bits of information that I even think you could share with those around you. And notice the image that accompanied this post: Road Signs. You should all learn how to read those. You should study them. Memorize them. And then do as they suggest. I mean, sheesh, didn’t we all have to take a test to prove that we knew the rules? You somehow got a license. You know what’s proper and what’s not proper driving etiquette. So take off your asshat and be a little more courteous when you drive.

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